The other day, I got a chance to go back all the way to the very first post back in December 2011 and read everything on my Tumblr since then. It was called “spontaneousyouth” back then… (and my close friends know why it’s called that). To be honest, I don’t even know why I exactly made this account… I saw so many of my friends have one and some of them even made relationships out of it, so I decided to make one and try to see what it means to be “gay” here on tumblr. It was also a place to vent away secretly how I’m feeling without bothering my friends.
Reading all of the past posts made me realize couple things about myself. How much I should be blessed to be where I am and as cheesy as it sounds… how the key to my happiness and growth is always with me. I had the chance to study Statistics (after switching from Bio) at UCLA for the past five years and met so many people that I would’ve never met if I didn’t attend college. Through the journey, I was able to come out at the age of 21 (a little later than most of my friends) and both family & friends were so supportive that… I felt like I couldn’t be more blessed in my life. Since then, I’ve been trying to discover what it means to be “gay” “a brother” “a son” “a friend” “a leader” and “an honest person” at the same time. The journey included both positive and negative moments that made me the happiest and the saddest person in life. But looking back upon it, every experience is a little stepping stone to where I am now. What I felt like was the end of the world means nothing but a memory now and I know how to be a better person from each experience.
Despite me being forever a kid at heart, I think I’ve grown as a person :] I used to be a person who did nothing but depend on others. No one depended on me because I was always a person who stood in the background or got “friend-zoned” or forgotten. Sheltered away behind my fears and cowardness. I was always afraid of being individualistic and I was afraid to open up because I was jealous of what others had and ashamed of myself. I always try to live to impress others that sometimes… I forgot what I really wanted or who I was. But now, looking at my past posts made me realize that I’ve grown to become a person who understands right from wrong and see what are the important things in life as well as being humble with life.
Career-wise, I have an awesome job starting in August as an actuary/analyst at a Big4 consulting firm. Probably won’t be my forever career but it’s an awesome paying job that I can use at the moment to help my family and open the door for me to do whatever I love to do in the future —- help and inspire students. I don’t want to be locked into anything right now. I want to be able to go into work in the future where every day feels different because I love doing my job. I know I might not be there right now… but I’m gonna work damn hard and remind myself to work damn hard to be there in 10 years. While at it, I’m going to help my friends and family to achieve what they want to do —- be that extra motivation and supporting hand to reach their dreams. I’ve always thought that not knowing what you want to do right away is the biggest failure, but sometimes in life… it’s that excitement of not knowing where you’re gonna be tomorrow that makes you feel like you’re living in an adventure.
Friends-wise, as always, I want to be there for my current friends whenever they need me. You may disagree with me on this, but I think a person should always be able to make time for people you love despite where you are or how busy you’re in life. Also, I want to be open-minded about making new friends post-grad and continue learning from others. Learn from the differences and similarities as well as their past experiences from my co-workers, new friends, etc. Lastly, I want to be genuine and not be afraid to show how weird I am to my new friends. No more need to impress. Just friends because you care for each other. Being able to tell stories about my family and the personal side of me that no one knows about. True friends will stick around for me being me, right? :D
Relationship-wise, seeing so many friends in relationships around at my age or ones that are younger made me feel like I have an expiration date in terms of relationship. But I need to accept that love will happen when it happens! I can’t make someone fall in love me or vice versa. What I want to do differently is not be afraid of making the first move. I’ve always thought that perfect guy would find me and appreciate me for where I am in my life. I am still holding on to that hope but in this real world, you gotta do something different or you’ll never know if you’ve had the chance. So I’m not going to be afraid to make the first move and face rejection if I have to. Each rejection and experience will teach me something about myself that I didn’t know before and that’s how you know life goes on. It just sucks that being “gay” you are limited to the online world… but I’m going to lay off that for a little bit to focus on myself for the upcoming year. I don’t know, I can be a hopless romantic and a realist at the same time, right? :D
Me-wise, in this post-grad life, I want to do things I was always afraid to do. Not afraid of being judged or being ashamed of who I am. Being able to try things in life expecting rejections. Trying harder and keeping myself motivated in anything I do. I gotta remind myself that I’m a grown up and now my decisions impact the people around me. Not being jealous of what others have but hoping that one day I can become great as them in my own way. Keeping my optimism always lit and taking one step at a time. Not being emotional with things but seeing the bigger picture. Taking my own advice and inspiring and being inspired by others. Yup. I can’t tell you specifically what I will be like in the next few years… but I am excited to see what kind of a person I’m going to become. Hopefully, myself then will be able to tell the person who’s writing this post that… it all worked out. I just want to be
happy, no, happiness is not good enough. I don’t want to say I am happy pretending to be the nice guy on the outside but truly genuinely happy with myself.
Until then, I’m going to move to a different, private tumblr account to document my journey and mark a new beginning. Thank you tumblr for teaching me that there’s always a greater tomorrow and it’s my choice that leads to happiness! <3
- Kevin Lee